An over-watered flower doesn’t bloom

I started this year determined to have a year of growth, of huge personal and professional development and a year I could look back on and say “YES” as opposed to “I wish I’d done better.”

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In January I feel as if I were a little seed ready to sprout underneath the soil, buzzing with naive excitement about the year ahead and convinced that what I was choosing to nurture myself with was the best of the best. I had big goals, determination and a sense of momentum that was keeping me firmly in the driving seat. I started a happiness project, I subscribed to the best ‘personal growth’ podcasts I could find, I read books (not enough), I journaled regularly, I took online quizzes and I continued to share my innermost thoughts and opinions on social media with the desire to inspire others to grow with me along the way. And this has been the way of things for pretty much the last 11 months. Grow grow grow. Don’t look back. Keep going. Keep learning. Be better. Do more. Do better.

To say it has been a lot is probably an understatement. On top of raising two young children, moving house and becoming self-employed, I have chosen to dive headfirst into learning, and at times, this year has felt more intellectually stimulating than my entire 4 years at University combined. My journals are full of reflective musings, notes I’ve taken from all the podcasts and books, my weekly goals and intentions and all those big epiphany moments that keep coming, even now. I can almost see the change in myself through the pages of my journal, yet I’m really just the same, but what I know has changed. Mostly too, it’s been amazing. The feeling of having an “aha” moment or learning something that shakes my core feels like I’m literally being propelled forward into a world once unknown and in truth, it’s kind of addictive!

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Recently though, I feel like I’ve over-watered myself because I’ve forgotten to pause to let things settle before continuing. I feel like the soil in which I’m living is now totally saturated and as a result, I’m feeling lost, stuck and unable to bloom, sometimes barely even able to move. There’s struggle instead of ease and there’s some pain instead of all the joy, and instead of feeling a balance of satisfaction and expansion, I’m beginning to feel the need to take a deep, long pause, to re-centre, to allow the excess water to drain away and the soil to recover.

I’m reminded again of one of my favourite quotes: “Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished” – Lao Tzu

So why have I been rushing? Rushing towards becoming a version of myself I firmly believe exists but without taking into account all the unexpected twists and turns along the way. In rushing to learn and absorb all the wisdom in the world, I’ve forgotten the need to practice it all too, because simply listening, reading and talking about things is not the way to truly grow.

So what now? I can’t stop. It’s too late for that. Growth and self-discovery is exhilarating after all and I’m committed to it because I DO believe if done with self-care and attention, this journey can be thrilling and powerful. A growth journey can continually challenge what we think we know and believe about the world. It can encourage us to reflect deeply on who we are and it can open doors along the way that allow us to expand and reevaluate what we really want from life. A growth journey pushes us to be ever open-minded, to seek the knowledge that lights our brains up and fuels our passions and interests that we have the luxury to choose for ourselves, as adult learners of the world.

“A commitment to lifelong learning is a natural expression of the practice of living consciously.” – Nathanial Branden 

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Are many of us truly living to our fullest potential? Are we devoid of limiting beliefs and staring our deepest fears in the face? Or do we find ourselves sticking with the route most trodden, the safe and easy path? That’s the thing about wanting to bloom, isn’t it? We want to rush because the promise of what lies ahead tempts us there but we forget that the journey may last an entire lifetime, that each day we seek to learn something new and get through the ups and downs, is a day we are no longer the same person as the day before. That is growth. 

As we approach the end of another year I feel it’s the right time for a pause. There’s little more I can learn from another “chase your dreams” podcast or another “how to conquer your day” blog, but there is much to be gained from deep practice and from looking inward instead of constantly just seeking more. That is the true lesson here and that is the more difficult part of all.

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Motherhood and the fear of making mistakes

Last week in a moment of deep reflection, I realised that I have a profound fear of making mistakes. It feels funny to me that I hadn’t realised it previously but the thing with our fears is that usually until we work to unpick them, our fears manifest in our real life as some of our more unwanted habits or behaviours. For me, the fear of making mistakes manifests as procrastination. I procrastinate because that protects me from making mistakes.

Several months back I took an online quiz to discover my fear archetype having listened to Ruth Soukup’s podcast series called, “doing it scared.” The results were a little, “yes, that’s pretty much what I expected,” and so I parked the idea and didn’t think I’d particularly learnt anything new about myself, as I so often seek to do. But then something seemingly insignificant happened whilst I was at work the other day and I was suddenly floored by my realisation that perhaps these quiz results were perhaps a lot more revealing than I’d first led myself to believe. According to the quiz, procrastination manifests as the fear of imperfection, preferring not to do something at all than to risk it not being perfect. I’ve never been much of a perfectionist at anything which is perhaps why this label didn’t resonate with me at first but what does resonate with me is that I put off doing things that I want to and should do because I’m fearful of making mistakes.

Motherhood has opened up a rather daunting portal into my own childhood, my experiences and my upbringing, both the good and the bad. Looking at my inner child, I can see where some of this fear may come from. Perhaps it’s the inherent people-pleaser in me, the child (turn adult) who seeks to please others through their actions, who longs for praise and acceptance and who strives to make others proud before herself. Or perhaps it’s those times at school where I didn’t know the answers and having been put on the spot for an uncomfortable minute too long, I burst into tears in front of everyone, to release my emotions, the fear of being wrong (and therefore being told off /criticised/reported on) paralysing me into a state of discomfort unparalleled by much else. Perhaps too, there were times when I did indeed make some big mistakes as a child and the feeling of disappointment that I sensed from someone else led me to want to avoid that being repeated. I need to go deeper here, to explore the route cause of this fear but for now, I’m just happy to have joined some of the dots and worked out some of the puzzle.

I procrastinate so much in life and literally always have done, that it drives me (and my husband) pretty mad. I’m working on it, and I’ve made a lot of positive changes this year but I guess sometimes, in order to make the biggest changes of all, we have to truly understand the reasons why we have our “bad” habits because the release of fear is in the discovery of why the fear exists.

This fear of making mistakes is the reason I haven’t written more blog posts, despite more than 30 sitting in my drafts. This fear of making mistakes is why I haven’t taken steps towards starting a podcast yet even though perhaps I could have made the time to. This fear of making mistakes is why I agonised for weeks over deciding which new nursery to send the girls to because I just didn’t want to get it wrong.  This fear of making mistakes is why I dwell on the times when things haven’t gone right in Motherhood because I’m scared that somehow, I’ve messed up.

The responsibility of raising babies is heaped with opportunities to make mistakes. Of course, as parents, we will all inevitably make mistakes but sometimes the fear of doing so is so consuming. The fear and worry of not being good enough. The fear of one day being blamed and resented. The fear and worry of not raising kids to be able to manage everything life throws at them. The fear and worry that comes with every decision you make along the way and with that fear of making mistakes, the hope and knowledge that everything will probably be just fine!

So what can I do with my fear now I know why and how it exists? I can be more mindful about it, notice it and not fuel it. Action is the antidote to fear. A life lived to please other people is no life at all. A life lived to be of benefit to other people, is quite a different story.

 

 


Summer started nursery and suddenly, I fell to pieces

Summer started nursery yesterday, for just under 4 hours, and when I went to pick her up, I was told that she’d cried the entire time, other than settling briefly outside for a few moments and inside for a short nap in her Key Worker’s arms. My usually happy and hungry baby hadn’t eaten or drunk a thing all afternoon and of course, just to add insult to injury, she burst into tears the minute that I picked her up, crying out with a look of sadness and confusion on her gorgeous tiny face. I know this is an all too common scenario, not unique to me or Summer but a situation that unfolds for thousands of kids and their parents at the nursery drop off every single day. It’s not fun for anyone, least of all when as a highly sensitive mum of highly sensitive children, the experience becomes difficult to shrug off.

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My wildest dreams

Last night I opened my journal and I wrote down 30 of the wildest dreams that I want to manifest for my life. I was inspired to do this exercise after listening to a podcast about how writing our dreams down with pen and paper and then taking actionable steps towards them can actually help to make our dreams a reality.

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An epiphany about setting goals

Back in December 2018, I made a set of 5 New Year’s resolutions and vowed to make this year the year I actually stick to them and make some progress towards my personal goals. I set these goals for myself with good intentions and reflected for a long time on what I wanted to “achieve” by doing them. Whilst I wouldn’t say I’ve had a total transformation in the first 3 months of 2019, I’ve certainly kept these resolutions in the forefront of my mind more than ever before, have discussed them with friends on an ongoing basis and have made some positive steps towards them, even if it doesn’t feel like enough (the story of my life…I’m learning).

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Creativity in Motherhood

I’ve never considered myself much of a creative person. I’m the one drawing stick people and a house whilst my husband Ben is sketching faces full of character. I’m just no good at drawing and whilst I appreciate so many forms of creativity, “creative” has just never been an adjective I would have used to describe myself. Read More


What holidays teach us about minimalism

I cannot get the idea of “minimalism” out of my mind and it’s certainly become one of my top goals for 2019. I don’t know how far the journey will take me and I also know, just by looking around me, that I’m still just at the very start, but I’m excited to continue to evaluate why I’m keeping hold of my possessions and create a home environment that makes me feel calm, happy and joyful. Read More


Could 2019 really be the year?

I am one of those people who quite enjoys the strange time between Christmas and New Year, where you don’t quite know whether you’re coming or going. I find myself in a naturally reflective mood, setting intentions and goals for the year ahead, pondering the year gone by and giving myself an annual pep talk that come January, I really will start using my wardrobe instead of my floordrobe! Read More


“Excuse the face,” and other things Mums need to stop saying

“Excuse the face,” is probably something you’re either guilty of saying or privy to hearing amongst your Mum friends or maybe just your female friends in general. If it’s not that then maybe it’s, “I haven’t even put any makeup on today,” “gosh, I look so rough,” “excuse the bags under my eyes” or, “sorry I look such a mess.”  We are full of these apologies, prefixing conversations or meet ups with friends with a comment about our seemingly less than acceptable appearance, as if the need to do so comes as a priority before anything else we may want to say. Read More